12 Gifts of Hades
by Keesha
Summary: In order to stop a war, Hercules and Iolaus must deliver the 12 gifts of hades. Tongue in cheek piece based on Xmas song.


The 12 Gifts from Hades.  
By Keesha  
  
Prologue  
  
The whole thing was confusing. It was not going to be an easy tale for the Bards and minstrels to remember when it was done. Should the tale ever be set to music, it would need someone with exceptional skill to play the piece that would have to twist and wind it's way to a somewhat dissonant ending.  
  
First of all, the town was called Earth. It's inhabitants always got dirty looks when they mentioned where they were from and were often regaled with such wit as "Well like duh, I know what planet you are from". But it was within the King's rights to name the town whatever he chose and if he wanted to call it Earth, well then Earth it would be.  
  
The two heroes should have taken a clue from the oddly named town, that its' King was probably not the sanest man on Earth, the planet that is, not the town. So when the King called the two heroes to his throne room and laid the deal on the table before them, they should not have been surprised.  
  
P1 "Ok, now let me get this straight. If we bring back everything you have listed on your scroll, you will stop this war," Hercules queried.  
  
King Barntelous shook his head yes as he rubbed his greedy little paws together.  
  
"Ya know. Just once, I wish someone would say 'Sure Herc. You want us to stop. No problemo. For you Herc, anything.' But no. It is always I'll stop Hercules BUT you have to do the most ridiculous thing in the world I can think of first. These buts are going to be the death of me," Iolaus complained, throwing his hands up in the air in exasperation.  
  
Hercules sighed as he glanced down at his best friend. "You done yet?" he asked quietly.  
  
Iolaus shrugged his shoulders. "Yeah, for the moment I think."  
  
Herc rolled his eyes and went back to reading the list. "Perhaps we should go over a few of these, ah, items your Majesty to make sure there are no misunderstandings."  
  
"An excellent suggestion. One I am sure I would have made myself in a few minutes," the King replied.  
  
"You want another excellent suggestion your Royal Highness?" Iolaus muttered under his breath. "How about taking your stupid scroll and shoving it---"  
  
"Iolaus, enough!" Hercules commanded.  
  
Iolaus placed that 'who innocent me' look on his face and piped down.  
  
With a sigh that could have rocked the trees, Hercules turned his attention back to the scroll. "Ok, the first item here is one pair of kewl leather pants."  
  
"Yes indeedy. I very much admire the leggings you boys are sporting and wish to own a pair myself."  
  
"Ya think?" Iolaus said turning in a circle admiring his own pants. "Yeah, I guess they do look pretty snazzy. Though I tell you what your Royal Majesty," Iolaus said as he struck a pose like a fashion model. "You have to keep in good shape to fill out these pants properly if you get my drift." Striking a new pose Iolaus continued, "One problem though, they are a bitch when wet; smell like an old dog."  
  
Shifting his position again he went on, "Ya also have to plan ahead. They are a royal pain in the arse to get off in a hurry especially if you have a pretty." Hercules made a low growl in the back of his throat, "you have to use the royal facilities real bad." Iolaus finished up lamely as he meekly went back and stood quietly by his partner's side. He tried to make his body look humble but his flashing blue eyes spoke otherwise.  
  
"Could we please go on?" Hercules asked. "We are only on the first item and there are 11 more to go through."  
  
Iolaus tried harder to look properly chastised.  
  
"Thank you." Hercules glanced down at the scroll again. "Two gauntlets."  
  
"To coordinate with the pants of course," added the King.  
  
"Of course," Iolaus mimicked. "Hey, do you want plain ones like mine or something a little more gauche such as Hercules?"  
  
Hercules looked down at his gauntlets. "Gauche?"  
  
"Well, I don't rightly know," the King pondered as he scratched his beard. "What do you suggest?"  
  
"Well, personally speaking," Iolaus said as he moved closer to the King and dropped his voice into a conspiratorial whisper. "I think Herc's are a little too ostentatious, with that silver and all. I mean c'mon. Jewelry on a guy? Yeesh. Give me the plain, serviceable workmen style any day. Ok, maybe an earring or two but--- hey while were on the subject of fashion, that shirt, Barney--- may I call you Barney?" King Barntelous shook his head tentatively. "That shirt, Barney, has got to go. It is like so not happening as 'Dite would say. Now, if I may suggest---"  
  
Hercules interrupted his partner. "Could we save the fashion tips for later--- PLEASE."  
  
"Sure, sure Herc," Iolaus said stepping back from the royal throne. He gave the King a conspiratorial wink and mouthed 'later'.  
  
"Three wild boar," Hercules read from the list.  
  
"Yes, I am having a large party in a few weeks and I thought boar would be a nice touch. I do so adore an well cooked boar."  
  
Iolaus started to open his mouth, but one look from Hercules made him change his mind. He didn't think his friend would hit him--- well--- maybe not. Deciding discretion was the better part of valor, he chose to remain silent.  
  
"Four tons of," Hercules swallowed painfully, "Dragon droppings?"  
  
"Oh yes. My, my yes. A most excellent fertilizer. Grows the biggest pomegranates you ever laid eyes on."  
  
"Hey now. Wait a minute," Iolaus burst forth, unable to contain himself. "I'm not running around collecting some evil monster's refuse so you can grow nice pomegranates. A Dragon is a very large and very nasty animal."  
  
"Then he should make very large, and very easy to find doodoo," the King retorted.  
  
"That's it. I'm out of here," Iolaus said turning on his heels and heading for the door. The King snapped his fingers and the royal guards stepped forward to block his path.  
  
Iolaus looked around. "Exactly how many royal guards are in this room your Royal Worshipness?"  
  
"One hundred."  
  
"One hundred, you say. And two of us. Two goes into one hundred--- well, way to many times. Ok, I'm willing to listen some more," Iolaus said as he stepped up next to Hercules. "Here, let me see that scroll," he said grappling it from his friend's hand. Hercules folded his arms across his massive chest as Iolaus scanned down the list.  
  
"Hmmm, you know what I don't see on this list? A new royal scribe. This guy's handwriting is really awful. Anyway, five golden rings. That one sounds like a job for Autolycus. Six quail a-squawking. Definitely a Salmoneus gig." Iolaus looked up from the list. "I don't suppose you'd settle for one squawking Salmoneus would you?"  
  
The King shook his head no.  
  
"Ah well, was worth a try," Iolaus lamented as he read the next item from the scroll. "Seven Sirens singing." Allowing the scroll to curl up, Iolaus tucked it under his arm, placed his hands on his slender, leather- clad hips and dramatically flung his blonde curls back. "Your Royal Fortitudeness. I have to protest most strenuously at this request. This is over the top."  
  
"No," muttered Hercules, "The only thing over the top in this room is your acting ability."  
  
It was now Iolaus' turn to throw a daggered look at his friend. Hercules raised his eyebrows and innocently shrugged.  
  
"As I was saying," Iolaus continued focusing back on the King. "Seven Sirens! And singing no less! You are aware of what a singing Siren does to a person? Besides, where on earth are you going to put them? They require water you know."  
  
"Why in the royal bath tub of course. My lovely wife," the King gestured to the ugliest woman Iolaus had ever seen, "thinks they will be just the accessory the royal wash room needs."  
  
Iolaus repressed a shudder as he looked at the Queen. Ares' dog was better looking than she was, he thought. Then what the King said hit him. "You mean to say the royal tub is large enough to accommodate seven Sirens?" Iolaus looked over at Hercules. "How do you get a gig in a place like this?"  
  
"I dunno," Hercules muttered. "Perhaps by becoming the court jester?"  
  
Iolaus threw him a puzzled look.  
  
"Are you saying I resemble--- never mind," Iolaus said turning back to the King. "Well if we do bring you the Sirens your Royal Multitude, they aren't going to be doing any singing until after they are safely in YOUR possession. Further more---"  
  
Hercules was getting impatient. He reached over and ripped the scroll out from under Iolaus' arm.  
  
"Hey," Iolaus screeched. "You're gonna give me a papyrus cut."  
  
Hercules picked his friend up by the scruff of the neck and sat him down, hard, in a chair.  
  
"Sit. Stay," he growled menacingly at Iolaus.  
  
Iolaus assumed his best hangdog expression and did as instructed.  
  
Unfurling the scroll, Hercules traced his finger down the list to see where they left off. "Number eight. Eight Hestial Virgins."  
  
"Really?" Iolaus perked up considerably. "Does it really say that?" he said getting up and trying to grab the scroll again, which Hercules held conveniently out of his reach. Iolaus stood with his hands on his hips gazing angrily at his friend. "Oh go ahead. Use your God-given height against me. We height-challenged folks have rights too you know."  
  
"Your majesty. What do you need with the Hestial Virgins?" Hercules asked.  
  
"Why I have eight single royal nephews that I need solstice gifts for," the King replied matter-of-factly. "They are so hard to buy for."  
  
"How do you become a royal nephew?" Iolaus queried with great interest.  
  
"You have to be born to it, Iolaus," Hercules answered.  
  
"Rats. Did you guys ever hear of the equal employment act in this kingdom? Hey, I have an idea your Royal Indulgence. I could sort of preview the Hestial Virgins for your nephews. Kind of like, try them out and make sure all their parts are in working order."  
  
"Then, Iolaus, they wouldn't be virgins anymore would they," Hercules pointed out.  
  
Iolaus shrugged. "A minor technical difficulty. I know, I know. Iolaus. Sit. Stay." he grumbled as he made his way back to the chair.  
  
"And shut up too," Hercules added. "Nine ladies dancing."  
  
"Sounds like a job for the Widow Twanky," Iolaus quipped. "Ya know, some people say we bare some resemblance. Me, I don't see it. I have much better legs."  
  
Ignoring his babbling partner Hercules continued. "Ten warlords leaping."  
  
"The eight Hestial Virgins I bet," Iolaus sniggered.  
  
"Eleven hydra heads."  
  
"Oh, now THAT is a fun gift. The gift that keeps on giving. assuming it doesn't eat you first."  
  
"And finally twelve electric eels."  
  
"Lights. For the party?" Iolaus asked.  
  
"Precisely!" said the beaming King.  
  
"Uh-huh." Iolaus dropped his head to his hands and sat in the chair looking totally dejected.  
  
"Do we have a deal Hercules?" the King inquired.  
  
"Sure, why not," Iolaus mumbled through his hands. "Hercules will accept this lunatics offer. Sure he will. But it will be good old mortal Iolaus that pays the price. Yes sir, Iolaus is the one whose gonna lose his pants and gauntlets, get gored by the boar, fall in the Dragon droppings, get jailed for stealing the golden rings, cook the stupid quail, get drowned by the Sirens, keep the dancing girls, virgins and the warlords separated without getting beaten to a pulp, act as bait to lure the hydra out of hiding and finally personally test out each electric eel to make sure it works. Sounds like great fun. Happy holidays."  
  
"We accept your deal King Barntelous," Hercules replied.  
  
"That's the royal we you know." Iolaus stood up throwing his hands in the air. "See, what did I tell you," he said addressing the nearby guards. He tipped his head sideways, cocked his jaw and glared at Hercules.  
  
"But I have one condition of my own King," Hercules countered.  
  
"I'm listening," the King replied, boringly picking at a hangnail.  
  
"I want you to stop this war immediately."  
  
"Oh well, if you insist. Ok, a cease fire, for one week. If you are not back with my gifts by then, all deals are off."  
  
"Deal."  
  
"Swell, just swell," Iolaus whined as he trailed out of the room behind Hercules. "A whole week. And here I thought this was gonna be difficult.  
  
P2  
  
"Hey Herc, slow down."  
  
"We have to hurry Iolaus. We only have a week."  
  
"Gee, so you did hear that fact. Silly me. I thought you missed that one when you agreed to this stupid quest," he said kicking an offending rock out of his path.  
  
"First," Hercules said ignoring Iolaus' latest outburst, "we need to find Autolycus and Salmoneus. They should both be in town for the festival, one to rob and one to fleece. You go find Autolycus and I'll get Salmoneus. We'll meet at the tavern."  
  
"Oh sure. Swell. I get the thin, quick one, you get the fat, slow one."  
  
The two spilt up and went their separate ways. Iolaus continued to mutter under his breath as he searched about the market place for Autolycus.  
  
"Help. Help. My purse has been robbed," a woman shouted.  
  
"Ah, Autolycus," Iolaus said as he headed towards the racket.  
  
"There he is, the man that stole my purse," the women said as she pointed down an alley.  
  
Iolaus looked in the direction the women had indicated and caught a glimpse of green disappearing around the corner. Taking a shortcut, he circled around. He was soon rewarded with the sight of Autolycus stalking around the corner.  
  
"And you call yourself the King of Thieves," Iolaus mocked.  
  
"You've heard of me," Autolycus said as he spun to face his accuser. "Oh, it's only you Iolaus. What's a matter, lost your big brother in the big city?"  
  
Iolaus threw him a withering glance. "What's a matter Auto, getting old and sloppy?"  
  
Autolycus stood tall and puffed out his chest. "Indeed not. I planned for her to know I lifted her pursue. It was a diversionary tactic, not that you would know anything about tactics."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Come on. Hercules wants to see you."  
  
"Me? Why? Should I be flattered at an personal invitation by the Son of Zeus?" the King of Thieves asked.  
  
"He needs your help Ok. Now come on."  
  
"Needs MY help," the swash-buckling thief said as he swaggered after Iolaus. "Hey, wait a minute. Last time I helped Hercules, I nearly got eaten by a giant snake."  
  
"Tell me about it," Iolaus commiserated. "Hanging around Herc can be dangerous for us mere mortals."  
  
"Who you calling a mere mortal? Haven't you heard? I'm the King of Thieves. No one can catch me. No jail can hold me. The public adores me."  
  
"Yeah, yeah. Well, come along King. We've got work to do."  
  
P3  
  
"Now, if I were Salmoneus, where would I be," Hercules mused. "Somewhere where I could earn a fortune, doing as little work as possible." Hercules scanned the market place, his eyes coming to rest on a sign proclaiming 'New miracle Diet Drug. Lose weight - weight - weight. Eat as much as you want. Guaranteed.' "Jackpot," Hercules said as he moved towards he tent.  
  
When he got within earshot he could hear Salmoneus' voice raised in fervor giving a sales pitch. "That's right my fellow fat suffers. This little bottle holds the cure for all your over-indulgent ills. Just one of these magic little tablets, three times a day, and you'll lose all the weight you want. No dieting, no starving. I found this miracle drug in my travels to the East. Think about it? Have you ever seen a fat man from the East? No Sir. That is because they all know about this secret drug. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I have brought this wonder right to your very door steps."  
  
"Hey," cried one rather large man in the crowd. "You still look fat to me. Don't you use your own product?"  
  
"Yes indeed. Yes I do. What you see is the new slender me. I still have a few pounds to go of course, but I use to be as big as, well, as Hercules. Oh hello Hercules. Hercules!" Salmoneus squeaked looking up at the demigod.  
  
"I'm not fat," Hercules said plaintively to himself. "Am I?" Shaking his head Hercules focused his attention back on Salmoneus. "Come on Salmoneus. Let's go."  
  
"Now? I don't think so. I still haven't had time to."  
  
"You've had plenty of time to fleece, I mean meet with these nice people. Now come along," Hercules said as he grabbed Salmoneus by the arm.  
  
"Don't forget what I said," Salmoneus uttered as he attempted to hand out his business cards while Hercules dragged him through the crowd. "It works. Really. It does."  
  
Once they got away from the crowd Hercules let go of Salmoneus who straighten his robes with a humph.  
  
"What's your game now?"  
  
"Hercules," he said in a hurt voice. Hercules glared at him. "All right. But they really do work, these pills. They just have one little side effect."  
  
"Side effect?"  
  
"Yeah. They make you so sick you can not eat. That is how you lose the weight."  
  
"That's one heck of a warning label," Hercules voiced as they headed back towards the meeting place.  
  
P4  
  
Iolaus and Autolycus were already waiting in the tavern when Hercules and Salmoneus arrived. The blonde man and the dark one were sitting, heads close together, swilling down ale.  
  
"You two look cozier than a pack of thieves,' Hercules said as he walked up to the table.  
  
"Hey," Iolaus said indignantly.  
  
"I resemble that remark," Autolycus retorted.  
  
The four men sat around the table as Hercules gave Autolycus and Salmoneus a quick run down on what was going on.  
  
"Gee Herc," Autolycus said. "I don't think I would have agreed to that deal."  
  
"My point exactly," Iolaus seconded.  
  
"We are not here to discuss whether or not, you approve of the deal," Hercules admonished them. "We are here to get it done. Period. End of discussion," the son of Zeus said as he banged his mighty fist on the table.  
  
Autolycus and Salmoneus jumped; Iolaus simply rolled his eyes.  
  
"Now here is the plan. Salmoneus and I will go get the six quails. Iolaus, you and Autolycus go get the five rings."  
  
"Good deal," Autolycus said as he rubbed his hands together. "Anybody in particular you want me to steal them from?"  
  
"No one."  
  
"No one? You do know I am the King of Thieves"  
  
"Yes, I do. However, I want you to go with Iolaus to the market place and buy them. I figure as the King of Thieves you will know real gold and won't get ripped off by some sleazy merchant."  
  
"Hey, why is everyone looking at me," Salmoneus complained as three sets of eyes focused momentarily on him. "I'm just trying to earn a living like the rest of you."  
  
"Ah Herc," Iolaus winced. "Do I have to take him? Why can't I go alone? Or better yet. Why can't he go alone and I'll stay here and finish my ale?"  
  
"Because Iolaus, if you go alone, some how, and don't ask me how, you'll get involved with a girl and mess the whole deal up. And if I send Autolycus alone, I'll never see the money or the rings."  
  
"Hercules, I'm hurt," Autolycus said in an injured tone.  
  
"Get over it. Now go."  
  
Iolaus and Autolycus slurped down the last of their ale and headed into the marketplace.  
  
"Let's go Salmoneus," Hercules said. "We have quail to catch."  
  
P5  
  
"I don't know Iolaus. I'm the King of Thieves. I have a reputation to up hold. Buying five golden rings? I just don't think that says 'me'."  
  
"Will you stop whining and hurry up. The sooner we get this over with the better. Here. Here is a gold merchant. Go dicker with him."  
  
Autolycus hesitated.  
  
"Go," Iolaus said giving him a shove.  
  
"The money please."  
  
"Ut-uh."  
  
"Ut-uh? My dear fellow. Hercules told me not to steal the rings and as charming as I am," he said stroking his moustache, "I don't think the gentlemen over there is going to just give the rings to me. Therefore I need the money."  
  
"No way fly-boy. The money stays with me. You strike the bargain and then I'll pay the bill."  
  
"But---"  
  
Iolaus unsheathed his sword and started examining the blade, testing it for sharpness.  
  
"Oh all right. You seem to have a point there and a very sharp one at that. Have it your way. But you stay here. I work best ALONE. "  
  
"Right, right. Whatever. Just hurry up."  
  
Iolaus settled back against a wall to watch as the thief bargained with the merchant. He had to admit Autolycus put on quite a show. He managed to look hurt, pious, outraged and pitiful all at the same time. Finally he walked back over to where Iolaus lounged.  
  
"So?"  
  
"200 dinars."  
  
"That's the best you could do? And you call yourself a thief."  
  
Autolycus threw Iolaus a dirty look as they headed back to the booth. Iolaus paid the man, collected the five rings, and placed them in his belt pouch. "Autolycus," he said grabbing the thief by the back of his collar as he started to sulk away. "Give the man back his stuff."  
  
"I beg your pardon?"  
  
"Autolycus---," he growled.  
  
"I don't know what on earth you are talking about. You paid for the rings."  
  
"Yeah, but not the five other pieces of jewelry in your pockets. We can do this the hard way or the easy way," Iolaus said menacingly as he tightened his grip on Autolycus' collar.  
  
"No need for violence," Autolycus said as he handed over the jewelry to Iolaus who in turn gave it back to the merchant.  
  
"Thief. Thief," the merchant started to yell.  
  
"Shush will ya. You got your stuff back. He's not a thief. He--- ah--- has a disease. He can't help himself."  
  
The merchant drew another breath to scream.  
  
"We don't have time for this. Here," Iolaus said shoving another 50 dinars at the merchant. "Take this and be quiet."  
  
For the additional 50 dinars the merchant became as quiet as a temple mouse.  
  
"C'mon," Iolaus said as he dragged Autolycus back through the market place. "You've caused enough problems for one day."  
  
Autolycus patted his pockets and smiled. Yes, he thought. It had been a good day. He debated about removing the 5 rings from Iolaus' purse but decided it wouldn't be worth Hercules' or this little guy's wrath. He'd seen this warrior fight and he didn't fancy being on the receiving end of his blows. So Autolycus kept his hands to himself as they made their way back to the tavern.  
  
P6  
  
"How do you make that quail noise Salmoneus?"  
  
"It's a family trait. Genetic I guess."  
  
"Gene-what?" Hercules asked.  
  
"Shhhh. You're going to scare them away. They're in that bush over there. You go that way and I'll flush them towards you," Salmoneus directed.  
  
"Right." Hercules moved quietly through the brush to his assigned spot. He nodded to Salmoneus to indicate he was ready. He gazed at the bush. Boy, it was really shaking. Must be a whole flock of quail in there. Hercules crouched, ready to spring.  
  
"Now!" Salmoneus yelled as he ran towards the bush to flush the quarry.  
  
Hercules saw something dart from the bushes and he pounced on it. He rolled once on the ground keeping a firm hand on his prize and then rolled to his knees. Funny, he thought as he completed his roll. I didn't know quail were so fuzzy. Hercules looked at what was in his hands and it looked back at him. Neither party was pleased with what they saw.  
  
"Oh Gods," Hercules said as he flung the skunk away, though not before it managed to release a cloud of noxious gas in his direction.  
  
Salmoneus came around the bush. "Did you get them?" he asked excitedly. He stopped in his tracks and wrinkled his nose at Hercules. "Is there something wrong?" he asked as he sniffed the air.  
  
"It--- was--- a--- SKUNK!"  
  
"Ah yes. I knew I recognized that smell. I have always had a good nose you know. I once was a---" Salmoneus babbled on  
  
"Shut up."  
  
Salmoneus drew a deep breath, but one look at Hercules' face caused him to expel it and button his lips. The demigod did not look in the least bit amused. He tried to salvage the situation. "Ah. Hmmm. Well, why don't you go take a bath while I go hunt the quail? Six. It was six you needed right?"  
  
Hercules grunted affirmatively as he headed off towards the lake.  
  
"Be sure to use soap," he yelled after the retreating Hercules. "Lots and lots of soap," he muttered under his breath.  
  
He still smelled. He scrubbed and scrubbed but the scent would not come off. Yes, it had gotten fainter but it was not completely gone. Salmoneus sat on the bank with six quails. Well, at least the trip wasn't a total waste. Hercules sighed, as he climbed out of the water and shook dry. He wondered if he could keep this tale from Iolaus. The blonde hunter was gonna tease him unmercifully when he heard what happened. Some days, he thought, it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.  
  
P7  
  
"Two down, ten to go," Iolaus stated. "What do we tackle next oh odoriferous one?"  
  
The look Hercules gave Iolaus told him he was not pleased at his wise cracks. Iolaus decided he'd better lay off for a while.  
  
"I think it is time for a little song and dance," Hercules replied. Lets go find the Sirens and the Widow Twanky.  
  
They bid farewell to Autolycus and Salmoneus and headed across town to where the dance competition was to be held. They were sure the Widow Twanky would be around here somewhere.  
  
"Yoo-hoo. My hunky Herc. I knew you would come back for me," the Widow crooned as she came up behind Hercules and ran her hand over his muscular arm. "Such strength," she sighed.  
  
"Good today to you to Widow Twanky," Hercules said with some embarrassment over the way the widow seemed to be fondling his body. "Ah, you remember my friend Iolaus?" Hercules said pushing his friend in front of him like a shield.  
  
"Ah yes. The short one."  
  
"Who you calling short," Iolaus retorted. The two of them stood eye to eye and stared at each other. Hercules did a double take. They did look sort of like each other in a Ying-yang fashion.  
  
The Widow Twanky pushed Iolaus aside and turned her attention back on Hercules. "So, what can I do for you handsome? Need more dance lessons? Hmmm?" she said as she ran her hand lightly over his chest. "I definitely have some moves I didn't show you last time that you might find interesting."  
  
"Ah," Hercules said taking a step backwards. "No. I don't need anymore lessons, thank you."  
  
The Widow Twanky sighed in disappointment.  
  
"What I do need is nine dancing ladies to entertain at the palace."  
  
"The palace. Well now won't that be a hoot. Yes, I can arrange for that if you like. Now, let's talk about payment," the Widow cooed.  
  
Hercules grabbed Iolaus who was enjoying himself way too much at Hercules expensive and shoved him at the Widow. "Iolaus handles all the finances. Deal with him," Hercules said as he hurried away relieved to get out of the Widow's clutches.  
  
The Widow Twanky and Iolaus stood toe to toe staring at each other again. Iolaus shook his head. "I just don't get why people think we look alike. I just don't see it." The Widow Twanky cocked her head to the right, Iolaus to the left. They both started to say something, then stopped and stared some more.  
  
"Maybe. naw," Iolaus scoffed. "How much for the girls."  
  
They haggled for a few minutes before reaching a deal. As they shook on it Iolaus couldn't help thinking to himself that the Widow was a pretty butch looking woman.  
  
"And tell your divine friend Hercules to stop by more often," the Widow chuckled.  
  
"I'll be sure to do that," Iolaus said politely not meaning a word of it. He collected the nine ladies and set off after Hercules.  
  
P8  
  
"I believe the Sirens are next," Hercules said as they walked towards the sea. They had delivered the five rings, six quails and nine ladies dancing to the palace. The King had been delighted. He immediately put one ring on each if his fingers, sent the quails to the kitchen, and when they left, was watching the dancing girls do some new dance called the Hustlus.  
  
"How do you propose we get the Sirens to come with us Hercules?" Iolaus queried.  
  
"Ask them."  
  
"Of course, silly me. I'm sure they are just dying to go to the palace and reside in the royal bathroom."  
  
"Hey, you never know until you ask."  
  
Iolaus shook his head thinking to himself that his partner finally had been hit on the head one too many times.  
  
'Or,' his alter-ego countered, 'maybe you have been hit on the head one too many times, Iolaus. After all, no matter how strange the situation, you still follow after him.'  
  
'Well of course I do,' he countered. 'He's my best friend.'  
  
'Yeah, but if your best friend jumped off a cliff would you follow?'  
  
'Probably.'  
  
His alter ego sighed and went silent.  
  
"Herc? How do you propose we get near these Sirens without being trapped by their song?"  
  
"Their songs only effect mortals, so I should be all right, or at least half all right."  
  
"Now that's a comforting thought. You may lose your mind by hey, only half of it. And what about poor mortal me?"  
  
"Iolaus, you worry too much."  
  
"Forgive me, oh great one, for trying to added some sanity to this story."  
  
"Look. There is the Sirens cave." Hercules strode into the cave with Iolaus bringing up the rear.  
  
"Iolaus," Hercules said over his shoulder. "Hand me the torch." He waited a second. "Iolaus. The torch," he said snapping his fingers. Still nothing. Hercules turned around in exasperation. "Iolaus would you hand me- --" Hercules stopped. Not only was Iolaus' back to him but his hands were clapped tightly to his ears. Hercules whacked his friend in the back of the head, causing him to stumble and remove his hands to regain his balance.  
  
"Hey. Whadya do that for."  
  
"Get that torch and come on."  
  
"Yeah, yeah," Iolaus grumbled grabbing the torch. He started to cover his ears again but one look from Hercules made him think twice.  
  
"Iolaus, have a little faith in me. I am not going to let anything happen to you."  
  
Looking sheepish, Iolaus followed his hero.  
  
They passed through a few outer caves before finally coming to a well-lit cavern. In the center, was a still, dark pool of water and around the edge sat the Sirens. They stopped talking and looked up as the two heroes entered the cave.  
  
One bleach-blonde, buxom Siren detached herself from the group and sidled up to them.  
  
"Hey big fellow. What's a nice boy like you doing in a place like this?" she asked, her voice deep and husky.  
  
The Siren looked over at Iolaus. "And you too. Short and sweet. Just the way I like it. Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"  
  
Iolaus opened his mouth to retort but nothing came out. He blushed a brilliant shade of red instead.  
  
Hercules chuckled. "I have to tell you. It isn't often that someone can leave my partner speechless."  
  
Iolaus stood there, red and mute.  
  
The Siren turned her attention back to Hercules. "So handsome. What brings you here? Perhaps you would like to hear a song?" she asked, her voice taking on a musical quality.  
  
"Ah no. I think we'll pass on that," Hercules replied. "We came to see if you would be interested in relocating.  
  
"Yeah, relocating," Iolaus finally managed to squeak out.  
  
The Siren took a deep breath, her bodacious bosom heaving mightily. Iolaus' mouth fell open again and his eyes glazed over.  
  
"Tell me more tall, dark and oh so handsome."  
  
Hercules ignored her innuendoes. "King Barntelous is looking for seven Sirens to take up resident in the royal palace.  
  
"The palace you say?"  
  
"The palace," Iolaus echoed dazedly.  
  
The Siren walked over to the golden hunter and ran a carefully manicured fingernail across his firm jaw line. Hercules thought his buddy was going to lay his head on her bosom and weep in joy.  
  
"Hmmm," the Siren said still toying with the spellbound hunter. "And what would we have to do there?" she asked as she tickled Iolaus under the chin.  
  
Hercules swore he saw Iolaus leg move in a scratching motion. "Well, I think the King has a sort of decorative task in mind for you."  
  
The Siren ran her hands down the front of Iolaus' muscular chest. "And if we were not happy there?"  
  
"You would be free to return here."  
  
The Siren abruptly removed her administrations from Iolaus who fell in a stupor to his knees. "Sounds like a offer we can't refuse. After all a change of pace might be nice. This sea air plays havoc with a woman's skin you know."  
  
"I'm sure it does," Hercules replied neutrally.  
  
"Give us a few minutes to pack, big boy."  
  
"No problem. We'll wait outside," Hercules said as he grabbed Iolaus by his vest and dragged the stunned hunter from the cave. When they got outside in the fresh air, Iolaus lost that dazed look. "Did we find them?" he asked.  
  
"You mean you don't remember?" asked incredulously  
  
"Remember what?"  
  
"Finding the Sirens."  
  
"No. So we did find them."  
  
"Yeah. They'll be joining us in a minute or so," he chuckled.  
  
"What are they like?"  
  
"Well buddy. You seemed to enjoy yourself with them," Hercules said cryptically.  
  
"I did?" Iolaus said in a puzzled tone.  
  
Hercules nodded his head.  
  
"Damn," Iolaus swore. "I must be getting old. I have a good time with a woman and I don't even remember it."  
  
P9  
  
Catching the wild boar turned out to be an easy feat for a mighty hunter like Iolaus. He had forbidden Hercules to go along on the hunt though. He had said camouflaging your scent so the quarry doesn't smell you was one thing. But, he pointed out that Hercules skunk perfume was a bit too much. Hercules had not been amused.  
  
After dumping the Sirens and boars at the palace the mighty duo set out again, this time in search of the eleven hydra heads.  
  
PART 10  
  
The heroes made their way to the cave where Iolaus had once battled a hydra when the Gods had been trying to teach him humility.  
  
"Ok Hercules. We should use some logic to collect these hydra heads."  
  
"How so?" the tall demigod asked.  
  
"Well, every time you cut a hydra's head off it grows another one right?"  
  
"Yes, that is the nature of the beast," Hercules quipped.  
  
Iolaus gave Hercules one of those 'so whose being silly now when I'm trying to be serious' looks. Hercules tried to do his best imitation of an Iolaus hangdog look.  
  
"As I was saying," Iolaus went on in a scholarly tone. "Mathematically, we should be able to figure out the minimum number of heads to cut off to get the maximum result. Now, what was that theory Pythagorus was always going on about? "  
  
Hercules shrugged.  
  
"Something with A's and C's being squared--- or was it rounded?"  
  
Bored, Hercules flopped down on the ground, plucked a twig and started to strip the leaves off it.  
  
Iolaus paced back and forth. "I think there were B's involved too," he muttered to himself. "A + C = B? No, no that doesn't sound quite right. B + C = A. Oh yes. The squares. A squared + C squared = B squared--- or was it rounded?"  
  
Hercules had enough. He got up off the ground and headed off towards the cage leaving Iolaus behind.  
  
"Rounded?" Iolaus continued to ponder. "How could two squares make a round? That seems sort of impossible. Square. Must be square. Definitely square. Boy I wish I paid more attention to Pythagorus when we were learning our ABC's. Hey! That's it. ABC. Hercules. I remember it now. It was A squared + B squared = C squared. Hercules! Hercules?" Iolaus looked around him and saw Hercules was gone. "Where'd you go Herc? I got it. " Iolaus noticed a lone figure strolling over the hill. "Hey Herc. Wait up. Ah, come on. Herc. Herc!" Iolaus yelled as he ran after his retreating buddy.  
  
Panting, he caught up to Hercules just outside of the hydra's cave. "Why pant - pant didn't you pant - pant wait up? I figured pant - pant it out."  
  
"Don't care."  
  
"What do you mean don't care," Iolaus said having finally caught his breath.  
  
"Look Iolaus. Let's just go in there, cut off the heads and be done with it."  
  
"Well I SUPPOSE you could do it that way," Iolaus grumbled. "I was just trying to help," he said as he trailed remorsefully after Hercules into the cave.  
  
Knowing they had to cut the hydra's heads off, Hercules had taken a sword with him for once. When the men entered the cave, the hydra rose from the misty, depths. It focused its attention on the two heroes and uttering a shrill scream, unfurled its' two ugly heads. Obviously, since it had two heads already, someone previously must have cut one off. Hercules raised his sword, as did Iolaus. Chop, chop and the two hydra's heads fell lifeless to the ground. The heroes had a few minutes to regroup while the hydra regenerated its' heads. A few seconds later, finished, the hydra raised it ugly heads and screamed again.  
  
Hercules glanced up at the monster and counted four heads waving menacingly in the cave. "Iolaus. I think we made a mistake."  
  
"Hmmm, what?" he asked as he stuffed the two hydra heads in a bag. Iolaus glanced up and saw the four heads.  
  
"By cutting two heads off at once we now have four heads to deal with instead of the three we would have had by only cutting off one."  
  
"Oops," Iolaus said dodging as one of the heads tried to swallow him. He raised his sword to defend himself, as did Hercules who was being threatened by another head. The hydra struck at the men and they both, again, swung their swords. Chop, chop and three heads fell to the floor.  
  
"Oh great Iolaus. You managed to chop two heads off," Hercules complained.  
  
"Well excuse me for being good. I noticed you only got one head yourself their Herc." Iolaus stared at the heads on the ground. "Well, the good news is we are five heads down. Only six more to go."  
  
"Yeah, and the bad news is we now have seven heads to deal with."  
  
The hydra lunged at the men again and they jumped out of the way.  
  
"Ok. Plan B," Hercules said. "You distract the heads and I will cut them off. This way be can be assured we don't cut two heads off at the same time and make this into a bigger mess."  
  
"Lovely. You get to cut heads and I get to be hydra bait. Somehow I think I got the short end of this deal."  
  
"If the shoe fits---" Hercules replied.  
  
Iolaus didn't think it was very funny.  
  
They implemented Hercules' plan. Iolaus ran around waving his arms to distract the hydra and Hercules cut off the rest of the heads that they need. As Iolaus got up off the ground where he had dived for the umpteenth time to avoid being bitten, he called over to Hercules. "Ok, we got eleven Herc. Let's go."  
  
"Not until we kill this thing. We can't leave this multi-headed monster for some poor innocent to stumble upon."  
  
"No, of course not. Silly me. Do I get to do some hacking now or continue to run around like, I don't know, a hydra without a head. "  
  
"I'll chop. You cauterize each head so it can't grow back."  
  
"Happy, happy, joy, joy. I love the smell of burnt hydra flesh first thing in the morning," Iolaus grumbled as he assembled a torch. The warriors made short work of the hydra, then gathering up the eleven heads they headed on to their next task.  
  
P11  
  
"Ok. You complained so much last time about being the bait. Do you want ME to be the bait this time," Hercules asked Iolaus.  
  
"You know Herc. That is the best idea you have had this week. Yeah. You run around having the monster try to eat you and I'll stand in the rear."  
  
"Hmmm. Well not exactly."  
  
"What do you mean not exactly? We are going after the electric eels aren't we?"  
  
"No. What makes you say that?"  
  
"Well, we are heading towards the sea and we already have the Sirens. We still need the Hestial Virgins and the warlords but they are both in the mountains. I figure the gauntlets and pants we'll get in the marketplace so that only leaves the electric eels right?"  
  
"You missed one."  
  
"I what?"  
  
"You missed one task."  
  
"I did? Let me see," Iolaus said as he started to hum. "12 electric eels, 11 hydra heads, 10 warlords leaping, 9 ladies dancing, 8 Hestial Virgins, 7 singing Sirens, 6 quails a-squawking, 5 golden ring, 4---, OH NO. No, no, no, no, no. No. Absolutely not. I refuse. Ut-uh. No way. You have gone too far. I will not do it."  
  
"But we already agreed Iolaus," Hercules explained patiently.  
  
"I agreed to kill electric eels, not pooper-scoop after a Dragon."  
  
"Correct me if I'm wrong but you did agree to stand in the rear."  
  
"Yeah. But I meant to kill the monster not."  
  
"So you agree that you said you'd stand in the rear."  
  
"Yes but."  
  
"Fine, it's settled. Grab a shovel and lets get going."  
  
"Some day Hercules. Bang, zoom to the moon."  
  
"And," Hercules said under his breath. "By the time we're done I won't be the only smelly one around." Hercules chuckled evilly as they head off to get the Dragon's manure.  
  
P12  
  
"Eels next?"  
  
"What a shocking idea," Iolaus shot back.  
  
Hercules rolled his eyes. The two men set out for the coast.  
  
"You're the great fishermen. How do you propose we catch them?" Hercules asked.  
  
"Doesn't Nebula usually round them up for some guy? Maybe she has some left we can buy."  
  
They went to the harbor in search of the pirate queen. They found her ship and the beautiful, dark skinned, warrior was standing on the deck.  
  
"Hello Nebula," Hercules called out.  
  
"Hello yourself Hercules," she returned. "And you too, Iolaus," she added with a twinkle in her eyes. "What sort of trouble are you two in now?"  
  
Hercules gave Nebula a quick rundown of the situation.  
  
"So, you want my electric eels. Well it's gonna cost you. They are not easy to catch. Shockingly hard actually. Though it is a electrifying experience," she chuckled. "Ok, I'll deal. But I want to talk the details over with Iolaus, alone," Nebula said running her hands suggestively over Iolaus' taut body.  
  
"Alone?" Iolaus swallowed nervously. This woman always made him a bit nervous. Not only was she beautiful, but one of the best female warriors he knew. He was pretty sure he could take her one on one . well almost sure.  
  
"Come on Iolaus. Down below where we can have some privacy for our--- discussions." Nebula turned and went below, fully expecting Iolaus to obey.  
  
Iolaus looked up at Hercules, pleading with his eyes not to go.  
  
"It's for a good cause Iolaus. Just think of all the women and children ending this war will save."  
  
Iolaus didn't look convinced.  
  
"How bad could it be?" Hercules continued. "She is a beautiful woman Iolaus. You have to admit that."  
  
"But Herc," Iolaus whispered. "She scares me. I mean, like, what if she is into, like, well you, know, the kinky stuff. She looks the type you know."  
  
"Iolaus," Hercules sighed placing his hands on his hips. "How many monsters have you fought? Have many battle have you won? How many times have you escaped certain death at the hands of the Gods?"  
  
"Well gee Herc. I don't know. Do you count the times I have risen from the dead?"  
  
Hercules went on, ignoring Iolaus comment. "Surely, the great warrior Iolaus, the master hunter is not afraid of a mere mortal woman."  
  
"This isn't a woman Hercules. This is Nebula."  
  
"I wouldn't say that too loudly if I were you Iolaus. I don't think she would be to pleased to hear that remark."  
  
"Are you coming or do I have to drag you in here by your golden curls sweet- cheeks?" Nebula bellowed from below deck.  
  
"Sweet-cheeks?" Iolaus repeated numbly. "Herc. Only Aphrodite calls me that. You don't think Aphrodite has a hand in this do you? Every time I get involve with that dizzy blonde it turns out to be trouble."  
  
"Iolaus," Nebula called out in a warning tone that meant business.  
  
Hercules pushed his buddy up the ramp. Iolaus tried to resist but Hercules strong-armed him to the hatch. "Remember, good of your country and all that," Hercules said encouragingly as he shoved Iolaus down below.  
  
Iolaus groaned. He didn't think he loved his country this much!  
  
Nebula yelled up the hatch. "See ya in the morning Hercules." Taking that as a hint, Hercules headed back into town to find an inn for the night.  
  
---------- Hercules returned to the ship in the morning where Nebula emerged first onto the deck. She confidently swaggered over to the bucket of eels, took twelve out, placed them in a container and handed it to Hercules.  
  
"Here you go. You held up your end of the bargain, now here's mine."  
  
Iolaus wandered up onto the deck looking dazed and disheveled.  
  
"You alright?" Hercules asked as his friend stumbled down the gangway.  
  
Iolaus nodded mutely.  
  
As they walked away Hercules said, "Do you want to talk about it?"  
  
Iolaus shook his head no.  
  
They walked a few more feet more.  
  
"Did she drive a hard bargain?"  
  
Iolaus nodded his head up and down vigorously.  
  
They walked some more.  
  
"I guess you were able to, ah, satisfy her demands since she gave us the eels."  
  
Iolaus shook his head wearily up and down again.  
  
"I see."  
  
They walked a few more paces.  
  
"Do you have anything to say Iolaus?" Hercules finally asked in frustration.  
  
"These eels aren't half as shocking as what I went through. I think I'm gonna swear off woman," Iolaus finally said.  
  
Hercules gave his friend a puzzled look. Exactly what had happen last night?  
  
P13  
  
After dropping off the latest gifts, Hercules and Iolaus set out again. This time after the Hestial Virgins and the warlords.  
  
"Ya know Herc. I was thinking. We only have a week to do all these tasks and we are getting close to the wire. In the interest of saving time, perhaps we should spilt up. Say, you get the warlords and, ah, I get the virgins," Iolaus suggested.  
  
Hercules nodded that to spite his friend's early proclamation, he didn't look like he was swearing off women at all. "Didn't we already have this discussion Iolaus? The King expects them to be virgins. I'm afraid buddy if I sent you off alone after the Hestial Virgins they might be, deflowered shall we say by the time you got them back to the palace."  
  
Iolaus started to protest.  
  
"Not," Hercules quickly added, "that I don't trust you around them my friend. I know you would be the model of decorum."  
  
Iolaus nodded in agreement.  
  
"However, how do you expect those poor, lonely virgins to be able to resist your charms? I mean face it Iolaus. Women are always throwing themselves at you."  
  
Iolaus puffed up like a peacock.  
  
"I mean it just would not be fair. So, I think it is best if we both go. That way I can defend your honor from the virgins."  
  
"You know Herc. You're right. Women find me irresistible. I do need protection from them." Iolaus stopped dead in his tracks realizing what he just said. "Hey, wait a minute. I don't want to be protected from the virgins Hercules. I mean if they want me why should I spoil it for them. Hercules!" Iolaus yelled after his departing partner. "That's not fair. You tricked me. "  
  
"All's fair in love and war Iolaus," Hercules yelled back over his shoulder. "Now hurry up."  
  
Iolaus caught up with his friend, muttering under his breath the whole time. "Ya know Hercules. They way you treat me sometimes, no one would ever know I'm your best friend."  
  
"Iolaus, I just have your best interests at heart. I mean there are going to be eight of these virgins. I don't want to see you exhaust yourself and get sick."  
  
"Oh believe me it would be worth it, Hercules. It would be worth it."  
  
---------- "Really Hercules. You can not expect me to give you eight of my virgins to solve some Earthly King's gift giving problems," the head Priestess said.  
  
"I promise nothing will happen to them. Iolaus will personally make sure of it."  
  
The Priestess looked over at Iolaus and cocked an eyebrow. "And that is suppose to reassure me? That this barbarian will be guarding my priestess' honor?"  
  
"Hey," Iolaus grumbled. "What is this? Pick on Iolaus day?"  
  
"Iolaus is a honorable man." The Priestess gave Hercules a look that said she just didn't believe him. Iolaus continued to look peeved over the whole situation.  
  
"Perhaps we can reach a mutual agreement. I do have some novices that are not working out. I was going to cast them into the sacrifice pit. But perhaps, you could take them to the King instead. Yes. That will do fine. I will go get them for you," the Priestess said as she turned and left.  
  
The Priestess returned a little while later with eight of the prettiest ladies Iolaus had ever seen. He felt a stirring his loins and immediately switched his thought to a stream--- a cold, icy one. As Hercules, the virgins and he started to depart, Iolaus turned and addressed the Priestess.  
  
"You weren't really going to cast these beautiful women to the fires were you?"  
  
"Yes. It is our way."  
  
Iolaus shook his head and joined the others. "And you called me barbaric. I think you need to look in the mirror lady."  
  
P14  
  
They attracted quite a crowd everywhere they went, Hercules and Iolaus with the eight Hestial Virgins in tow. Iolaus spent most the day defending the virgins' honor with his sword from all the apes that tried to defrock them. By the time they camped for the night Iolaus was physically exhausted and immediately collapsed in a heap to sleep.  
  
The next morning when he awoke, Iolaus noticed he was surround by the eight lovely virgins and he hadn't even known it. 'Damn,' he thought. 'I am slipping.' With a sigh, he carefully threaded his way through the sleeping beauties over to Hercules.  
  
"So what's the plan now big guy?"  
  
"We go get the warlords."  
  
"And how are we going to do that? You can not get two warlords in a room without bloodshed. How you gonna get ten to behave."  
  
"We are going to get less active ones."  
  
Iolaus gave Hercules a puzzled look. "I don't think I am following you. As far as I have experienced there are only two types of warlords. The very active ones and the very dead ones. The business doesn't lend itself to a middle of the road warlord type."  
  
"Ah, but you are wrong. There is another type. The retired warlord. We going to go to the retired warlord home and look for ten volunteers."  
  
"You're joking me right? There is no home for retired warlords. When a warlord retires it is to a grave."  
  
"You'll see. Wake the virgins and let's get going. We're running out of time."  
  
---------- Hercules, Iolaus and the eight virgins trudged up to the building. It was a bit run down looking and the faded sign hung half off its hinges. Iolaus held up the sagging end and read what it says. "Well, I'll be damned. 'Retired Warlord's Home'."  
  
"Told you. Iolaus, come with me. Virgins. Please wait here until we return."  
  
Iolaus and Hercules entered the building. It had a certain smell to it that Iolaus couldn't quite put his finger on, but he knew he didn't like it. Everywhere he looked there were old warlords. Most bore the scars of a lifetime of battles. Some seemed pretty sharp, but the majority were in a world of their own; and based on some of the screaming he heard, some of their own worlds weren't that great. Iolaus repressed a shudder. If this is what it was like to grow old, he hoped he died before his time.  
  
Hercules stepped into the middle of the room and announced that he needed ten warlords to escort a troop of virgins to the King. A flurry of arms, and for those missing arms, legs shot up in the air to volunteer. Hercules added that the virgins had to be delivered--- intact--- to the King. That dramatically reduced the number of appendages in the air. Still, when Iolaus counted there were ten warlords willing to go on the journey. They packed their bags and joined the heroes outside.  
  
As they headed back to the palace, Iolaus chatted with one of the retired warlords. "Why you doing this?" he asked.  
  
"Boredom. I'm tired of being locked up in that place."  
  
"So why don't you leave. What's stopping you?"  
  
"Where would I go? What would I do? I have no family and after spending a lifetime killing people, no friends. I am too slow to do battle anymore and too senile to be a war advisor. I was unlucky enough not to die in battle and now I must pay the price. No, the home is the only place left for me until I die."  
  
Iolaus thought about what the retired warlord said. Somehow, getting eaten by a monster was becoming more and more appealing. And if he hung around Hercules long enough it would probably happen.  
  
P15  
  
The warlords moved very slowly and required frequent rest breaks. Hercules and Iolaus were getting worried. They only had until noon tomorrow to complete their tasks. At the pace these warlords were going they were not going to make it.  
  
Hercules and Iolaus pushed, prodded and used the virgins get the retired warlords to move faster. With only fifteen minutes to spare, the duo shepherded their charges into the Kings audience chamber.  
  
"Here you are your majesty. The ten warlords and eight virgins. That completes our tasks. Now, call the war off as you promised," Hercules demanded.  
  
"Not so fast Hercules," King Barntelous said. "You forgot two of the gifts."  
  
"What?" Hercules cried. He turned to Iolaus and started singing.  
  
"12 electric eels"  
  
"11 hydra heads," Iolaus joined in.  
  
"10 warlords leaping"  
  
"9 ladies dancing."  
  
"8 Hestial Virgins."  
  
" 7 Sirens singing."  
  
"6 cooking quails."  
  
"5 golden rings," the two sang in harmony.  
  
"4 tons of Dragon droppings"  
  
"3 wild boars."  
  
"2 gauntlets."  
  
"And a cool pair of leather pants."  
  
"Damn. In getting all the hard stuff we forgot the two easy ones. The wrist guards and the leather pants," Hercules swore. He glanced over at the clock. Five minutes left. Hercules stripped off his gauntlets and placed them on the dais. "There. Two wrist guards. Now all's we need is the leather pants." Hercules looked at the King. The King was a small man. Certainly no where near as tall as Hercules. He was built more like-- -"  
  
"Oh no," Iolaus said as Hercules' gaze fell on his pants. "No way, no how, ut-uh. I am not giving up my pants. I love these pants. These pants are a part of me. We have gone through a lot together. I gave you my sweat, my toil, my loyalty and my heart but I draw the line at my pants."  
  
"I'll make you a new pair. Now take them off," Hercules commanded.  
  
"No. No. A thousand times no."  
  
"Iolaus, we don't have time to argue. Just take off the damn pants," Hercules growled.  
  
"You sound like Nebula," Iolaus muttered under his breath. Iolaus stubbornly crossed his arms and shook his head.  
  
"Three minute warning bell gentleman," the King injected.  
  
"Iolaus," Hercules barked.  
  
"No. You can't make me."  
  
Later Iolaus would come to regret (or resemble) that remark. Hercules could and did make him remove the pants. After a brief struggle (where Iolaus wished he had taken his mother's advice and wore briefs), the King had a new pair of pants and Iolaus had two strategically placed fig leaves.  
  
With the deal complete, the King called in his royal scribe and called off the war. The people cheered and the two heroes were free to go.  
  
"Well," Hercules said cheerfully. "All's well that ends well. And speaking of ends Iolaus, yours is showing."  
  
Iolaus whipped his head around and discovered his fig leave had slipped out of place. The eight Hestial Virgins giggled as he sidled by trying to hide his nether regions.  
  
"One of these days Hercules. One of these days."  
  
The two men walked off into the sunset knowing Peace on Earth, had come to all.  
  
The End. 


End file.
